It’s Month Five. I’m technically still in the “early stage”, but when you’re surrounded by first-triers and oops-we-did-it-againers, four months of, “Are we doing it wrong?” can put a bad taste in your mouth. ‘They’ say you can’t worry about wasting your life savings on OPKs and HPTs until you’ve been trying for a year; but in reality, I can’t think of a time that I failed at something consistently for a year and did nothing about it. (I can also assume that whoever came up with the Twelve Month Rule never experienced the absolute agony that is the Two Week Wait). I suppose I’m exaggerating (who? me? never!), I’m not doing nothing which is a fancy double negative way of saying that I’m doing everything. I’ve developed an unhealthy obsession for posts about raspberry tea and primrose oil and did someone say baby aspirin?!
Maybe TTC is nature’s new form of Darwinism: survival of the sanest!
“Failure” might not be a fair word to use after just four months, but it’s the correct feeling. TTC is like taking a test where you get all the right answers (you’re healthy, regular cycles, positive OPKs, BD on all the right days), and yet the teacher still gives you an F, along with a handwritten note saying, “Maybe you’d get an A if you stopped trying”.
No amount of, “Relax!” or, “It can take up to a year!” or “It’ll happen when the time’s right!” is going to make my glass half full (unless you say those things while pouring wine). I’m too busy being surrounded by pregnancy announcements and statistics and this-worked-for-us-after-two-years-of-trying stories that I’ve started letting my glass drain.
Month 1 (Full Glass): We’re not pregnant. That’s okay! We didn’t expect to be first-triers anyway. Husband is happy, I’m happy, uterus is performing on schedule after 13 years of pills. We’re pretty excited for two people who didn’t get exactly what we were hoping for.
Month 2 (¾ Full): Oh…that’s okay. Sure, the positive OPK got my hopes up a bit, but whatever, something was probably just a little off. Month 3 will be our month!
Month 3 (Half Empty): What..the…fuck. But I was nauseous and exhausted for a week! Sobbing into my glass of I’m-not-pregnant-so-I-might-as-well-drink-this wine as I furiously re-check the statistics. SIXTY PERCENT of couples are already pregnant by now, what is wrong with us?!
Month 4 (I think there are a few drops left): Despair, heartache, more wine, more sobbing in the dark over my empty uterus (and my empty wine bottle) – which is so symbolic and beautifully poetic but I don’t care because I’M NOT PREGNANT!
Month 5 (can I get a refill?): So what should we try for Month 6….?