Dear World, I’m TTC – OKAY?!
I always thought it’d be so exciting to keep the secret of being pregnant to myself, to dream up ways to creatively announce to everyone once the time was right; but I never thought about the internal struggle I’d have while TTC without anyone knowing. I haven’t shared my struggle with any family members, coworkers, or friends for fear that they’d constantly be asking me how it was going (still failing at getting pregnant, thanks for asking!). Or, even worse, symptom spotting right along with me. (She felt sick after eating lunch?! She must be pregnant!!)
I wish I could tell everyone why my moods have been all over the place – from excitement (it’s another week of “trying”!), to hope (is that implantation cramping?!), to despair (of course you’re not pregnant, it hasn’t happened in the past 4 months after all…), to downright depression (BFN, why can everyone else get pregnant??). I want to apologize for cringing when women tell me they’re pregnant with their second child, that they got pregnant on their first try, or the worst of them all – they got pregnant when they weren’t. even. trying.
Wouldn’t it feel better? To explain the multitude of feelings you can start to experience just by doing something as simple as going to the bathroom? (PHEW, no AF!!) or (NO, blood?!) and then…(implantation bleeding, maybe?!). To tell everyone how the act of having sex went from being fun and spontaneous to being about pre-seed and timing and not-too-often but omg not too infrequent either!
I’d finally be able to share all the random contradicting TTC facts that now have taken over my brain – like that you should elevate your legs for 30 minutes, but that sperm gets to the cervix in 6 seconds. Or how absolutely every “symptom” I think I have can mean both AF or pregnancy. Real mind-fuck right there (excuse the language).
Would they understand how optimism has become a fear? That just the thought of getting my hopes up, only to be let down again, is too much to handle sometimes?
I wonder, if they knew, how many people would tell me “it’ll happen when you stop trying” or “it’ll happen when it’s meant to be”. Or, if there will be someone who truly understands my constant heartache and anxiety and hopeless hope…and understands why I can’t, I won’t, stop trying.